When a colleague  asked me to share my thoughts about adult Jewish learning, I realized that I had a lot to say.  There are probably three reasons for this:  it’s something I care about deeply, I’ve had a good amount of experience both as learner and as teacher, and  I’ve seen many people get really excited about what they’ve learned. So, why isn’t everyone doing it?

Many adult Jews have heavy questions and real doubts about Judaism. But they also find it hard to access the answers.  Sometimes they don’t know how or where to start. Often, however, it’s because they see themselves as outliers and subconsciously undermine themselves by putting up barriers and making excuses.

These folks couldn’t be more mistaken. Most “outliers” are really “inliers” these days. That means that feeling inadequate, having doubts, or being annoyed by something you’ve heard happens a lot. If you fall into one of these categories, I am asking you, respectfully, to get over it.  Stop apologizing for what you don’t know or fuming about what you read or heard.  The system probably failed you.  You are no different from many other adult Jews I run across and, if you are willing to get out of your comfort zone, you may very well be heartened by what you find out.

You may have already figured out that I think that Judaism is amazing and I passionately believe, that it is the best “product” around.  If you let it, this amazing wisdom and practice will be a source of support, guidance and joy.  No one can be passionate about being Jewish unless they actually know its ins and outs.

Once you finally start learning, I promise that you’ll find that Judaism is not what you think it is and that there is a comfortable place for you at the table.

This is what you need to know:

Now is the time.  Life-long learning and questioning are core to Judaism.   Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation is not the finish line. That is the age when we should just be getting started with substantive learning.  So sad that otherwise educated adults are frozen in infantile understandings of God or what those Bible stories mean.

 You can’t do it on your own.  Learning simply can’t come solely from reading.  Also, it’s not a solitary exercise.   Judaism is about community, so one needs to “do” Judaism in order to “get it.” When it comes to learning, remember that Jews invented the buddy system.

Get out of your comfort zone.  That’s they only way to grow.

Stop making excuses.  Perhaps you don’t believe that old man God in the sky, so you don’t see the point in study.  NOT.  Or perhaps you think study is useless because all religions are basically the same.  NOT. Judaism has a very different priorities that most other religions.  For instance, no death row salvations for our team!

 If you don’t know Hebrew, that’s really okay. 

Hebrew certainly is a bridge to many things Jewish, but it can also be an insurmountable barrier that becomes an excuse for going no further.  I am a linguist and a pretty good Hebrew teacher, but I don’t believe that should be the primary focus that it is for many. Do get comfortable with terminology that confuses you.

Judaism is intellectually honest.  Asking questions and even arguing–that is the Jewish way. I don’t mean questions are tolerated. I mean they are expected. Differing opinions and differing conclusions are accepted and respected. Ask the rabbis of the Talmud.  

Ask those big questions.Insist on substance.  Ritual and holidays are important and concretize much of what it means to be Jewish, but Judaism does not end there.  It’s really the unique substantive and life altering concepts of Judaism that sets it apart from other religions. The world views and priorities of different religions are, in fact, quite different.  Ask a Jew by choice.  They’ll tell you.

Jewish texts aren’t scary. They are amazing.

Text is core and the extraction of meaning is the Jewish way of learning.  It’s the place to start.  Study text in your comfort language.  True, translations are not perfect, but text study (and what we take away) is key to our identity and really connects us to our heritage.

Broaden your exposure

This will take some creative thinking.   Often folks have a limited perspective on what Judaism is all about. They may be geographically limited or always read the same kinds of things.   Don’t ever let a single comment, a single article you read, or a single experience turn you off.  Broaden your perspective by reading articles from a broad  base of authors and by speaking with people who observe differently or are from a different denomination.  If you can, attend services in other cities when you travel.

All religions are not the same.  The Jewish value system, our sense of purpose, our understanding of sin, our rules on how to behave, are very different from those of other religions and I know they will make you proud.  Our world view, our welcoming of questions and intellectual honesty are unique.  We even have built-in change mechanisms in order to adapt to modernity.

To really “learn Jewish” you need to “live Jewish.”Jewish learning at any stage needs to extend beyond books and classes.  Get yourself to a traditional wedding, a purim, a Shabbat table , a house of mourning.

I written from the heart and I hope I’ve provided something useful. If you need a clarification, just ask. Thanks for “listening.”

Bar/Bat Mitzvah Rant—Let’s get back to basics

Two weeks have passed and I’m still kvelling about my grandson Ezra’s bar mitzvah in Cambridge, MA. It was spectacular in its simplicity. The adjectives that come to mind are informal, comfortable, fun and meaningful—all really great things. Ezra, who did the lion’s share of the davening and laining over the whole Shabbat, was clearly in his comfort zone, even while delivering his speech. This wasn’t a show for him. It was the natural progression of how he’s been living his life. From this grandma’s perspective, there is no greater thrill than to know that future generations are sustaining the values you hold. This isn’t the first time I’ve kvelled at a bar mitzvah. I felt the same four years ago at the bar mitzvah of Akiva, Ezra’s older brother.

Something eerie happened the week before this event. Two articles came to my attention that really hit me. One was a satirical spoof about a “National Bar Mitzvah Exchange Registry,” where the old fashioned meaningful “friends and family bar mitzvah” option was “no longer available.” The other was a blog by an Israeli rabbi citing the obscene excesses of some bar mitzvah parties and suggesting that such celebrations be banned.

My personal experiences and those two articles have gotten me thinking about what’s happening with the whole bar/bat mitzvah thing these days. I know there is much variation in how the BM is observed today, nuanced by stream, family and geography. I also know that the vast majority of the kids I encounter don’t have a clue what becoming bar/bat mitzvah means in Judaism, or that it happens, ceremony or not.

It’s pretty obvious to me that the biggest drivers of Bar/bat Mitzvah today are peer pressures and parents, usually for the wrong reasons. The story line in the movie Keeping Up with the Steins is not as exaggerated as we might want to pretend. That son, like many real life ones, felt it just needed to get it over with.   The dad saw it both as some perfunctory obligation and as an opportunity to impress his clients. No personal relevance, identity building or meaningful learning there.

At its best, a bar/bat mitzvah is an opportunity for the honoree to partake in some learning and some serious introspection. It’s a time to take responsibility, share some experiences and enjoy the support and company of people who care about you. That would be a bar/bat mitzvah that focuses on the mitzvah.   At its worst, it’s a performance to get through and, then, it’s all about the party.

So I (humbly) propose a few questions to consider when planning the event:

Why is this happening? What’s the purpose?

What are your priorities/values?

What elements will have lasting relevance to the family and the celebrant?

Do your plans reflect what you really want to do, or are they the result of external pressures?

Are you leaving all the “religious” parts up to the teachers/rabbis? What steps can be taken to make this a holy experience for everyone ?

Have you made sure that the family understands what the religious status of  Bar/bat mitzvah means?

Can his/her Torah portion become a source of family discussion some months before the ceremony, in order to learn together?

Can the rituals associated with accompanying BM Shabbat meals be opportunities to involve  or honor others?

This list is just a start, just to get you to begin asking the right questions.

There’s another great opportunity here and its an intergenerational one–the chance to compose and deliver an iggeret, an ethical letter. This is a very old Jewish tradition that is a variant of the Ethical Will. Delivered in writing, it’s a loving keepsake from a member of another generation that potentially immortalizes a message that the older person wishes to pass down. It can be a wish, a memory, or a family story.   The contents are up to the writer and, of course, it could also be read aloud, as a shared wish. You might want to pass this idea along to family p/matriarchs.

Well, I needed to say these things. Let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with a great party. Enjoy and be sure to invite me. Please just make certain that the main event is the child’s religious rite of passage, and not the hors d’oeuvres.

 MAZEL TOV!