Bar/Bat Mitzvah Rant—Let’s get back to basics

Two weeks have passed and I’m still kvelling about my grandson Ezra’s bar mitzvah in Cambridge, MA. It was spectacular in its simplicity. The adjectives that come to mind are informal, comfortable, fun and meaningful—all really great things. Ezra, who did the lion’s share of the davening and laining over the whole Shabbat, was clearly in his comfort zone, even while delivering his speech. This wasn’t a show for him. It was the natural progression of how he’s been living his life. From this grandma’s perspective, there is no greater thrill than to know that future generations are sustaining the values you hold. This isn’t the first time I’ve kvelled at a bar mitzvah. I felt the same four years ago at the bar mitzvah of Akiva, Ezra’s older brother.

Something eerie happened the week before this event. Two articles came to my attention that really hit me. One was a satirical spoof about a “National Bar Mitzvah Exchange Registry,” where the old fashioned meaningful “friends and family bar mitzvah” option was “no longer available.” The other was a blog by an Israeli rabbi citing the obscene excesses of some bar mitzvah parties and suggesting that such celebrations be banned.

My personal experiences and those two articles have gotten me thinking about what’s happening with the whole bar/bat mitzvah thing these days. I know there is much variation in how the BM is observed today, nuanced by stream, family and geography. I also know that the vast majority of the kids I encounter don’t have a clue what becoming bar/bat mitzvah means in Judaism, or that it happens, ceremony or not.

It’s pretty obvious to me that the biggest drivers of Bar/bat Mitzvah today are peer pressures and parents, usually for the wrong reasons. The story line in the movie Keeping Up with the Steins is not as exaggerated as we might want to pretend. That son, like many real life ones, felt it just needed to get it over with.   The dad saw it both as some perfunctory obligation and as an opportunity to impress his clients. No personal relevance, identity building or meaningful learning there.

At its best, a bar/bat mitzvah is an opportunity for the honoree to partake in some learning and some serious introspection. It’s a time to take responsibility, share some experiences and enjoy the support and company of people who care about you. That would be a bar/bat mitzvah that focuses on the mitzvah.   At its worst, it’s a performance to get through and, then, it’s all about the party.

So I (humbly) propose a few questions to consider when planning the event:

Why is this happening? What’s the purpose?

What are your priorities/values?

What elements will have lasting relevance to the family and the celebrant?

Do your plans reflect what you really want to do, or are they the result of external pressures?

Are you leaving all the “religious” parts up to the teachers/rabbis? What steps can be taken to make this a holy experience for everyone ?

Have you made sure that the family understands what the religious status of  Bar/bat mitzvah means?

Can his/her Torah portion become a source of family discussion some months before the ceremony, in order to learn together?

Can the rituals associated with accompanying BM Shabbat meals be opportunities to involve  or honor others?

This list is just a start, just to get you to begin asking the right questions.

There’s another great opportunity here and its an intergenerational one–the chance to compose and deliver an iggeret, an ethical letter. This is a very old Jewish tradition that is a variant of the Ethical Will. Delivered in writing, it’s a loving keepsake from a member of another generation that potentially immortalizes a message that the older person wishes to pass down. It can be a wish, a memory, or a family story.   The contents are up to the writer and, of course, it could also be read aloud, as a shared wish. You might want to pass this idea along to family p/matriarchs.

Well, I needed to say these things. Let me be clear. There is nothing wrong with a great party. Enjoy and be sure to invite me. Please just make certain that the main event is the child’s religious rite of passage, and not the hors d’oeuvres.

 MAZEL TOV!